SPEW

So it really is quite painful, keeping in all the things I feel shouldn’t be let out.  I know my nature is to fight.   The funny part is that I don’t actually like to fight.  I don’t like to argue; I don’t like to be in conflict.  I don’t like to stand too near the fire or let roots grow too deeply; I like to keep my options open and my mind as well.  But somehow I ended up with this thing on my back that doesn’t just let me roll over and die.  This thing has opinions and feels deeply and has strong urges to speak without waiting to be spoken to and often uses foul language.  Once in awhile this thing might let me roll over and play dead, but that’s just because I’d rather play dead than draw a line in the sand and dare someone to cross it.  Because that also means that I’ve got to stand on one side of the line, and frankly choosing sides seems like such a big freaking commitment.  I’m way more afraid of commitment than I am of standing.

I’m all the wrong sort of girl. But at least I wrote something today.

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8 comments
  1. melanie said:

    is this like having your sense of justice, friendship, right-with-the-world-peace-in-the-valley, etc ruffled to the point of pain? i feel this sentiment in my core. i can’t wait until you come visit for the show b/c there is much talking and silly to be had.

    • alltheseblessedthings said:

      That’s a good way to put it! I’ve had that feeling one-too-many times this past year or so, and I’m afraid I may not recover from it. My justiceometer is also clearly centered way to the left of many other people’s, so that puts a wrench in things. I can’t wait to see you, too!

  2. Those things are not at all wrong or bad. Stop beating yourself up about it, please. That is who you are and I love you just the way you are! (And so do a lot of other people…mostly the ones that matter) When I come home, maybe I’ll force you to argue with me on something, just for the exercise of it. :) Love you, silly sister. xoxo

    • alltheseblessedthings said:

      We don’t argue. We disagree and never get out of hand about it. Thanks for the love. xox

    • alltheseblessedthings said:

      Haha~ I LOVE that!!!

  3. Jess said:

    you’re definitely not the wrong sort of girl, though I can say I feel the same sometimes lately.
    committing to one side of the line doesn’t mean that you have to stay there forever. give yourself room to change, space to grow, and (forgive the christianese) give yourself grace to change your mind as much as you want. it’s your life, lady!
    anyhow, I love you, and our shifty looking conversations in parking lots.

  4. alltheseblessedthings said:

    Yay for shifty looking conversations. :)

    And thanks for listening and sharing today. I like “committing to one side of the line doesn’t mean that you have to stay there forever.” Good reminder, too, to take a little time (or in Finn’s voice “just a little time”). :)

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